Monday, November 19, 2007

Fascinating Bloggerhood

Thanks to the magic of Big Brother-like spy technology--or, okay, maybe just the magic of the internet--I can tell how people get to my blog. Most of you come redirected from the sites of my friends, and a few of you, most likely my lovely mother or her sisters, the auntourage, either type in the web address directly or simply Google key words like purple petra indonesia islands sea some untidy spot my daughter please someone help me find her blog until the site you want appears.

(You may think I'm exaggerating, but you haven't seen the site records.)

In the spirit of the same good fun that causes me to tease my own female relatives--who, by the way, should know that I love them and that they're encouraged to read, anytime, no matter how they get here--let's take a look at some of the other Google searches that have gotten people here.

First, there are the pronunciation requests:

pronunciation oregano
pronounce hover

People: if you had read the post, you would know that I am not the one to ask. Go find someone who doesn't have intuitions like mine.

Then, there are the creeps:

mom sex
lyndonville teacher nude photos
naked middle schoolers picture
indonesian porn

I have got to stop making suggestive jokes on the internet. I know these people are going to be disappointed when they get to my site, and, frankly, I'm glad. Anyone looking for those things deserves to be disappointed.

(With the possible exception of the first item of the list, but then only if you are a mom looking for sex, hopefully with your lawfully wedded husband; all others, get thee to a nunnery, or possibly just ancient Greece--the point is, anywhere but here.)

The third group are the people I really worry for:

stalking with a baseball bat
he was persistent so I gave him my phone numebr
what if stalker ignores the police
my stalker knows everything about me
songs to make your stalker leave you alone

I looked up the source locations of these Google hits, and they're not all from the same person, which means I have to give five different people the advice people gave me: ask for help, not just from Google, and from the police if necessary. Especially you asking about the baseball bat. Unless, of course, you were asking for instructions, in which case, don't mind me, I'll just be off in the next room dialing 911.

Those are the main groups. Then there are the random hits:

thomas barrett forever and ever again
I'm still proud to recommend my cousin, by the way.

did the egyptians really set booby traps?

In my case, yes, but I'd rather not be reminded of the number of times I got felt up by strangers in Egypt.

jakarta's prettiest blogger
Um, I'm flattered and all, but that search leading to my site is bad news for Jakarta's bloggers, as I fit only one of those categories.

flight to singapore overweight
I don't think my constant access to peanut butter M&Ms has affected me that much yet.

picture of an untidy person

Boy, Google is all about defamation of character, it seems. Though, unfortunately, I have to concede that this one is absolutely true. Even though I just tidied my room--or, rather, "spot"--on Saturday, the piles of books and papers have surreptitiously multiplied in my sleep. I can't think of any other explanation for the random pile of syntax books by my bed. Mea maxima culpa.

site: gay
This one shocked me when I first saw it: What?! I thought. I may have short hair, but, really people, how many times must we have this...and then I remembered that that hit was me, checking to see if I had told a certain joke before. Oops. Nevermind.

And, finally:
happy birthday petra
I don't care if my birthday was three and a half months ago: thanks!


Anne said...

I'm intrigued by this internet magic you speak of...

The Joo said...

That's awesome. Are you aware that's what Id o for a living? I help websites figure out how people are getting to their sites, among other things. I think my favorite ever was seeing searches for purple vibrators show up for a client of mine with a gardening website. Hm....

Anonymous said...

people have found my blog by googling "mormon nudist" and "mormon spanking" - there are some kinky people out there!

Petra said...

Amanda Mae--

Oops, I think that was me. Sorry for skewing your blog stats.



Th. said...


Ha! Nothing like the big world of search engines to curious up a day.

In other news, I'm pleased to see a Fulbright Scholar writing "nevermind" the same way I do.

FoxyJ said...

I mostly get people who are frustrated because they're trying to find free essays about "The Yellow Wallpaper". Ha. I did have someone searching for "poop wallpaper" once. Interesting.

JB said...

I love the title of this post, though I hate the book it references. You have some especially weird search requests!

KrumperKids said...

Does this spyware also tell you how often we check a site? If so, that's just plain embarassing and intrusive.

Petra said...


It tells me who is visiting my site, when, and from where, but all on different charts, which means that if I wanted to know how often you were visiting, I would have to first find every hit from your hometown, then visit another page to line those hits up with a time, and then yet another page to line them up with the way you got to the site.

So yes, basically, I could figure it out, but, trust me, I would never bother. Really, I only look at the Google searches that lead to my site. Those are the most entertaining of all the statistics this program gives me.