Thursday, November 20, 2008

Vote Yes on No

(Or is it Vote No on Yes? I can never remember.)

Since it's been almost a year since I posted anything snarktastic about recent Mormon happenings, and since, as a (now official!) resident of California, I have seen, heard, smelled, touched, and tasted nothing but Prop8aganda for the last few months, I feel I should say this: I'm listening, LDS Newsroom, when you tell me that "traditional marriage is essential to society as a whole", and I've decided to take you seriously--we should restrict marriage to the way it has always been. Of course!  That's why I won't be dating anymore: instead, my parents will arrange a match for me.  I'll also, of course, quit school and move back into my parents' house to practice the housewifely arts and add to my hope chest until someone takes me off the shelf. 

That's cool with you, right, parents?  Dad, we can talk dowry amounts over Christmas, and Mom, I know you've been dying for this for years, but no calling up that weird kid George from elementary school who you thought was so cute, okay?

14 comments:

Popok said...

This is wonderful news! I will apply to your parents right away with my list of eligible dinosaurs. Dowry? No no, these guys will have none of it. You're on the real traditional marriage market now. Your homemaking skills are going to the highest bidder. Keep in mind, however, that your silence from this point forward will be vital to our bride-price negotiations. Giggling, flirty eyes, and self-deprecating responses to direct questions are acceptable.

mysh said...

And what are you doing using a computer?! Unless the males in your life permit it--and no virtuous man would--then you have no business being out in public. I am outraged!

Petra said...

Popok--

Aw, shucks, my homemaking skills aren't that good. Tee hee!

mysh-

(wistful, high-pitched tone)

Tell me my head is pretty...

Connie, who blinked said...

ask your parents if they can set you up in a traditional marriage with me.

Ginsberg said...

Petra,

Great satire in many ways. However, while part of me wants to banter away like our other posters, the other part is left unsatisfied and feels you have skirted what I feel to be the real issue: the role of the church vs. the role of the state and the nature of state marriage vs. church marriage.

Forgive my seriousness. I know how much you hate speaking unironically, but I pry because I have honestly been interested in hearing your opinion (being a California resident and all) about the whole shebang and its unsightly aftermath for awhile now. Meanwhile, my love/hate relationship with the Church has reached a new zenith. . . or valley. . . or precipice. . . or something.

Thoughts?

Petra said...

Ginsberg,

I have no problems at all speaking unironically in a more private forum; for my own (many) reasons, though, I like to keep my blog free of more serious debate. (Meaning, my grandma reads this; no need to offend her.)

I'd love to talk, though. Email me.

Diane said...

I am SO HAPPY, finally the day has arrived. Thank you, thank you. Unfortunately the lovely Buddhist/Hindu Tibetan mathematician I had in mind is off the market. There is an economist in his 30s who would need some missionary work first.

And you know darn well after being in India that you should correct the implication that females on the arranged marriage market aren't modern, educated woman. After all, their "convent educated" credentials always come third on the list right after "Looking for Brahmin female, HOMELY and before "wheatish skin."

I've had your ad composed for some time. Here it is:

Mormon, BYU and UC Berkeley, temple recommended, educated female, Homely, with Cake Flour skin, who is tall and thin-- mother with PhD currently director of music for Bedford Public Schools, father with PhD currently professor at HARVARD UNIVERSITY (--sorry a bit of NYT marriage ads slipped in--searching for Mormon, BYU, Stanford, Harvard, UCBerkeley, Princeton educated, return missionary, non engineering, non lawyer educated male with big "nose" and bigger sense of irony. Must enjoy puns and traveling.

Do I have your permission to create a Facebook page?

Diane said...

PS: The Facebook page would be entitled: Begat my grandchild NOW!!

Popok said...

Hmm. Ah well, my list won't do. These Mormons are all lawyers and engineers - or they will be once they grow up and accept their duty.

Petra said...

Diane:

Sure, modern Indian women in arranged marriages can be educated, but we're talking about traditional marriage. And I'd take your threat of a Facebook page far more seriously if I thought you knew how.

(Joking, joking! Your web page is beautiful.)

Jan said...

The imperative would be "beget," would it not?

Connie, who blinked said...

i like your mom.

Snoop said...

The thought of you perched on a shelf in your parents' home is for some reason quite charming.

The Dancing Newt said...

ha ha ha... Cake Flour skin.